Good afternoon and welcome to my contact form; if it’s not afternoon wherever you are currently then you can just go to hell.

And I’m kidding —actually, I’m glad you’re on Here I cover my love affair with pizza and come to grips with military school memories because pizza is great and military school is not.

“But it says all this shit on your main page” I hear you blurting out, we read all this already. Look, I am writing a bunch of words here because apparently, it’s not cool to have a blank contact page with no text, so I’m honestly not writing this for you at all. I want those crawling digital web scanner bastards to end up here and see I have a shit-load of text and give me a checkmark and up my web score.

You may think this is now a double-diss. Because I told you to visit the underworld (if it’s not currently the afternoon where you are). And just there I tipped my hand that my speaking to you on this contact page is only to make bots happy.

And I think you may be right…

You should send me a note to complain! Which you can do with the fields below (if I set this shit up right). Happy winter!